


God only knows what I'd be without you

by meddowstaylor



Series: Gettin' Smile [2]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Chirstmas Eve shows as a tradition start, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Fluff, Love Actually References, M/M, Tim remains the most pure soul in the whole planet who has been dragged into this mess, and Roger may surprise him, it's christmas and Brian decides to stop denying what he feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:34:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21937531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meddowstaylor/pseuds/meddowstaylor
Summary: Home, it’s what it is now for both of them. No use in pretending otherwise after the two-month mark of their meeting hit and most of Roger’s stuff was at Brian’s apartment already. There are biology books scattered around, duplicates of records since their combined collection had so many overlapping choices and an ever-present stale tea smell that Brian has come to grown fond of, from remaining cups left behind with sugary liquid making their handles sticky. The plants his mom had given him don’t get attention and care still, but for some strange reason, they are as green and shiny as they ever were.Can be read as a sequel to “Gettin’ Smile”. Roger and Brian’s first Christmas together, after an intense Smile show and right when they decide to stop denying what they feel.
Relationships: Brian May/Roger Taylor
Series: Gettin' Smile [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1585921
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48
Collections: Maylor Week





	God only knows what I'd be without you

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for all your wonderful words about “Gettin’ Smile”. This can be read as a sequel to that, with references to Brian’s plants an all. And I thew in a few references to Love Actually because I’m weak for Christmas movies. 
> 
> Prompt is First Christmas together. I hope you all have a wonderful holidays and that you enjoy this!

Brian is reminded once again of how much he despises the taste of vodka in his tongue in the morning. The apartment also smells like it still, and he closes his eyes when he walks past the living room and sees bottles scattered there. He makes a byline for the kitchen, wonders how Tim and Freddie can sleep comfortably in the small couch that’s half covered in coats. They are contorted in the same position they were in last night - or at least Brian is half sure of it. His own drunken state makes the events from the night before a bit hazy in his mind.

He grabs a glass that thankfully doesn’t smell like booze and fills it to the brim with tap water. He’s been taught the clear liquid is colorless, odorless and tasteless, but right now it leaves a bitter taste behind - his brain also supplies that it attracts polar molecules and it’s at times turbulent and at times calm, but he doesn’t know what to do with that information. The sole act of thinking aggravates his headache, but his mind doesn’t ever slow down, never gives him enough of a break. Not even on Christmas Day. 

He hears the door clicking and peaks his head from the kitchen, expecting to see Tim or Freddie stir in discomfort upon waking up. Instead, they keep snoring and their breathing remains steady and calm, and it’s Roger who is making his way carefully inside the apartment. The ache in Brian’s temples increases, his never-stopping mind trying to comprehend how his friend can look that great after out-drinking all of them after the show the night before. He is wearing the same clothes as when Brian last saw him making his way out of the bar with a tall redhead, the moment where his own drinking matched the pace of Tim and Freddie. It’s still too early for him to be here, given that he rarely comes back sooner than mid-day when he doesn’t sleep at home. 

Home, it’s what it is now for both of them. No use in pretending otherwise after the two-month mark of their meeting hit and most of Roger’s stuff was at Brian’s apartment already. There are biology books scattered around, duplicates of records since their combined collection had so many overlapping choices and an ever-present stale tea smell that Brian has come to grown fond of, from remaining cups left behind with sugary liquid making their handles sticky. The plants his mom had given him don’t get attention and care still, but for some strange reason, they are as green and shiny as they ever were. 

Brian quickly goes inside the kitchen again, not wanting to seem like he was waiting up for Roger. He drowns the second glass of water and when no wave of nausea hits him he feels confident enough to put a fresh filter on the coffee machine and start it. He feels more than hears Roger’s presence, but Brian doesn’t turn around. He takes in two calculated breaths, makes sure the flutter in his chest doesn’t make him sick either. 

“Morning”, Roger huffs. Brian can tell he has been up for some time now from the way his voice doesn’t crack and there’s no hoarseness to it. “We should really make Christmas Eve shows a tradition, you know?”

Brian turns around and raises his third glass of water as a way of greeting him. Roger stretches a little over the tiny space between the fridge and the counter where Brian is standing, his hands finding two mugs from the cabinet with ease. If he is hungover Brian can’t tell, since after ten months he knows his way around their apartment so well he could probably pour them two cups of coffee in his sleep. Brian has seen it before, around finals week. He doesn’t realize he is chuckling at the memory until Roger slightly burrows his frown and questioning smiles at him.

“Nothing, nothing”, Brian mumbles and takes one of the now full cups from Roger’s hands.

They stand side by side, leaning against the stove, keeping quiet for the sake of Freddie and Tim. Their sides are pressed together, and it’s a mirror image from last night when Roger was smoking and Brian was sipping his beer, only the two of them outside behind their van. Just as then, Brian’s mouth threatens to betray him, to spill with everything unsaid in almost a year. He is well past denial, over the bargain phase of trying to convince himself it’s just a fleeting crush, settled for a while now in acceptance. He is utterly and helplessly lost in Roger, can’t see anything but him. He is over his head, with no strength at all left for fighting. 

He is also terrified of losing him, hyperaware of every move he makes in case his love shows through and he chases him away. Apparently, his carefulness around Roger had given the opposite message, as Tim had told him while they were finishing off Roger’s vodka bottle at home a few hours ago. 

———  
_“He’s thinking about quitting us, you know?”_

_“Who, Freddie?” Brian had slurred_

_“No, what’s he going to quit? Giving us unsolicited advice?”, Tim snorted._

_Brian had looked over at Freddie, who was lost in listening to the record playing and mindlessly following along the piano parts with the movement of his fingers, oblivious to their conversation._

_“Roger,” Tim says._

_“Did you piss him off?”_

_“Yes Brian, I was the one to cause this” Tim’ trademark sarcasm was less subtle when he was drunk, and he looked at Brian pointedly. Brian recoiled in his seat and remembered the promise he had made to his friend some time ago, of not letting his feelings interfere with the band._

_“He knows?”, Brian had asked in a small voice._

_“No,” Tim poured another glass out of the expensive bottle, the one Roger kept around to celebrate. That’s what they were supposed to be doing, celebrating their first Christmas’ Eve show together, but of course Roger had found a way to enjoy himself without them. It seemed like lately he found excuses to ditch them more often. “He is just as oblivious as you, idiot”._

_The alcohol was working its final touches on Brian, and the room had begun to spin. The twist in his stomach could have been attributed to that, or to the despair of even thinking Roger could be mad at him._

_“He thinks you want him out of the band, out of here, out of your life” Tim trailed on. When he saw Brian slum forward he added “could have something to do with the fact that you leave the room the second we stop playing and glare at him when he marches into here in the morning”_

_Brian had never picked up on The Beach Boys sounding so gloomy until that moment, the melody clutching his chest and the lyrics piercing through his heart._

——-

They are sipping the coffee and it feels slightly like it had done a few months ago when Roger would tease him and hug his waist when Brian was making dinner for them, when he still crashed in his bed even if he had his own now. Somewhere along the line it had changed for them, falling in a careful routine of not overstepping into the other’s space. Save for the mornings. Their sleepy selves didn’t click into polite and distant in the early hours of the day, so their breakfasts were loaded with accidental but longing brushes of their hands, with soft smiles and eyes meeting and remaining connected for a few seconds too long. 

Brian can feel that air around them shifting and that shared companion dying away. He knows he has little time left before they snap out of it or before Freddie or Tim wake up. He moves and Roger is startled a bit, seemingly so lost in his own thoughts as him. Brian stands in front of him. 

“Stay here” he decidedly says.

There’s a smirk on Roger’s face and he crosses his arms. “Where would I go?”

“I dunno. Just… you know, don’t move”. It sounds crazy saying so, but Roger smiles and nods, and Brian is sure he gets it. Roger always does, he’s usually so connected to him that it amazes Brian how they had only found each other twenty years into their lives when it feels like he’s been a part of his personal constellation forever. He makes the way to the living room shaking his head, wondering how on Earth would Roger think he would want him out of his life when the reality was that he was it. All of it. 

Brian tiptoes around the couch, and he can swear he sees Freddie open an eye but quickly closing it. He looks around the little pathetic Christmas tree they had set up, paling in comparison to his plants by the window shed. Tugged at its feet he finds a package, wrapped in unfestive manila paper. 

When he makes his way back to the kitchen Roger is looking down, fixed on the floor. Upon seeing Brian their eyes meet again, and Brian can see a gleam in there that he hasn’t seen in a while. 

“Merry Christmas” he says, handing Roger his present. It breaks his heart a little to see a flash of surprise pass his friend’s face, like he wasn’t expecting Brian to remember to get him something. He could have all of him, and yet he is amazed he gets a gift. Brian really feels like a jerk.

“It’s a datebook?” Roger smiles, turning around the leather-bound diary that has ‘1970’ engraved on the cover of it, with a little ‘RMT’ beneath it.

“Look at yesterday - well, not yesterday, I mean next year’s yesterday”. He is rambling, but Roger smiles fondly at him. His affection every time Brian feels he is making a fool of himself was one of the things that made him fall for him.

Roger opens it up and goes to the 24th. In Brian’s lose handwriting it read “ _Christmas Eve. Smile Show. 9pm. Drinks with Brian_ ”

Roger is beaming now, and Brian never wants to be the reason to make that smile disappear from his face. He doesn’t care for feeling ashamed or vulnerable at this moment.

“I want you in my life. Next year, and the year after that, Rog”. Brian never thought he would have to clarify that, but it’s as close as a confession as he can muster up. 

Roger leans in and places his hand on Brian’s cheek, and he reflectively closes his eyes. When he opens them Roger is staring at him with fondness. There’s something unreadable about the way his eyes move around as if scanning Brian’s face and he closes the space between them with a soft kiss. As with everything Roger, it’s unexpected but feels just like home. It’s sweet and tender, and when their foreheads are pressed together Roger swallows and breaths out “Merry Christmas, Bri”.

He walks out of the kitchen, and Brian can hear Tim and Freddie groan as their headaches hit them while Roger laughs at them.

Brian stays standing there for a minute more, runs his hand through his face and rubs his eyes. “Enough. Enough for now”, he says to himself smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this and once again, thank you for all your comments and kind words, I don't remember a time where I was so excited to write. If you want to, let me know what you think here or over at tumblr / meddows-taylor
> 
> Happy Maylor Week everyone ♥ and happy holidays!


End file.
